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Mar. 31st, 2016 | 01:29 am

From Yaz: "Hey I love touch, I love touching you, I have all my favorite spots already, I love biting your back, kissing you on your neck under your jaw, twisting your generous nipples, strong meaty grabs of your ass, dancing fingertips on your easy to find clit, and pulling your hair, I do these things in various combos, and I love it all.[..] Man handling is also a part of it, restricting movement and slinging ya around."


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My Character Sheet

Feb. 21st, 2016 | 12:45 pm

We are just... Are Human. Perfectly Imperfect & Interesting in Our Uniqueness. Have Baggage. Interesting, Interesting Baggage that is part of Us.
Here's a secret...  I don't really want to be loved because I'm pretty, and strong, and tough, and caring, and compassionate, and sweet, and smart in my own sort of way.  I get it, I have a well developed character sheet and who wouldn't want that in life?  But well developed characters with strong stats and abilities make for boring stories.
The game isn't challenging.
I'd rather be loved for my myriad of Rich and Interesting Experiences. Many of which have left me Flawed and Less in some way.
Many of which have enabled those High Stats & Abilities, and a couple of merits.
All of which are So Uniquely Me.
Along with that certain je ne sais quoi that.. just is.

Be it a blend of saffron, a hint of playa dust, black garlic... or something else you can't quite put your finger on.

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Jan. 21st, 2016 | 08:34 pm
location: Chiang Mai, Thailand
music: Chaos Chaos - Do You Feel It

That moment when a song comes on that connects you two in one particular way, connected to not just one experience but so many associations that grew fertile in your heart and head.  You feel it. You're there. You're connected. It's beautiful. It's alive. It hurts.

That moment where you want to alt tab and fast forward that song, and you freeze and tear up because you are viscerally connected to how in that one action you are choosing a form of death over a form of life; a form of life over a form of death.
Instead... you write.  You lay your head down. You softly cry.
You chose one form of life.
You chose one form of death.

....and then shuffle brings on "When Under the Ether."











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The sun doesn't smell like this

Jan. 19th, 2016 | 08:53 pm

I stumbled into a connection here in Thailand, with someone lost between the east and the west; a yoga teacher & Thai massage therapist from a conservative Muslim country, whose only spoken language is English.  They don't entirely understand the pleasures of being naked in the sun, as much as I've tried to communicate otherwise.

As our hands wandered, caressed, intertwined & otherwise connected, I muse "This is what being naked under the sun is like..."

He finishes drawing in a deep inhale of my hair in the crook of my neck,  on the exhale he responds that "The sun doesn't smell like this." 

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Weight loss, it's great!

Dec. 14th, 2015 | 10:11 am

Dear World, I've I'm going to vent in your direction... I've apparently, so I've been told, lost a lot of weight recently and "look great," or something.
I'm pretty sure I have lost some weight, from floating around 190-195 for awhile.  Now I'm probably closer to 175-180, though I wouldn't be surprised if it is closer to 170.
I've also had 5 or 6+ months of chronic health & wellness problems that have really compromised a lot of my life enjoyment, cost me a lot of productive time (because not throwing up on an empty stomach requires a surprising amount of concentration), severely restricted what I can and can't eat, regularly gets in the way of me having a good night's rest, etc.
Oh, right, I also lost a bunch of significant relationships these past months, and for the first time in my life chose to cut contact with someone because I was worried it was hurting my health and wellness... Someone I believe I very much love and believes their self to love me.  That probably isn't helping my health/wellness condition, but probably is helping me loose weight!
Because clearly weight loss was a goal of mine, because I'm a woman, and the weight loss is not a byproduct of health and wellness issues... Therefore the best thing to do is let me know how great I look because of this desirable byproduct of challenging life issues.
*note* I'm not actually that upset about people complimenting me on my weight loss... But noticing my naked body today, and noticing that I indeed have lost weight, and that I was perfectly happy with how I looked before (and am perfectly happy with how I look now, and am aware that I probably look like some variation of "better" that will make my life easier in a bunch of ways)...  It kind of hit a curious chord with me because I am pretty aware of why I probably lost weight, and it has been pretty awful.
Significant weight loss is a thing, it isn't necessarily a desired thing, it wasn't necessarily a goal, it isn't necessarily healthy...  Some people believe you shouldn't comment on changes in bodies at all.  If someone has lost a lot of weight, maybe ask them how they feel about it... Are they happy about it? Great, be happy for them! But maybe it isn't so straight forward.

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Let your Love Voice be the Loudest

Nov. 25th, 2015 | 11:23 pm

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I accidentally got an AEon Flux outfit from ETSY.

Sep. 1st, 2015 | 09:17 pm

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My livejournal exists mostly to chronicle pictures of myself I like for some reason or another.

Aug. 10th, 2015 | 11:46 pm
music: From Finner - Of Monsters and Men

See subject.

This was a photo sent to my far away lover, asking if he'd like a bite of chocolate.

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Fuck me

Mar. 16th, 2015 | 08:23 pm

Hey! Any old followers of my website have archival material of amazonbitch.org ?

I let ownership lapse eventually, which was fine, but then I went to access my old writings earlier today and saw this:


Page cannot be crawled or displayed due to robots.txt.



Any help would be super appreciated. There is a small chance I have something archived on my olde-olde computer but I think that may just be photos because I trusted archive.org.  Similarly, other archival services would be really appreciated. 

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Challenges for Individuals & Communities in Addressing Issues of Assault & Battery

Mar. 7th, 2015 | 01:42 am

  • Published here on Medium. (Do me a favor and view it/reccommend it there)

  • This was written for a regional Burning Man community, so it has some aspects that may be targeted towards that, but was ultimately written to help everyone have a better understanding of the nuances and issues surrounding assault and battery for many individuals.

I’m writing this in hopes of helping folks understand factors involved in why it is challenging to effectively address issues of assault/battery/abuse. I don’t think many people realize exactly how hard it is for someone to talk about their assault/abuse. The situation and setting are both complex things and nothing is ever as simple as black or white. And that assumption of black and white seems to cloud people’s mind and give them the notion it is so easy to resolve. There is no clear instruction manual on how to “come out” as a victim, nor any clear outcome, and many reasons real or imagined to think doing so just opens you up for re-traumatization.

As soon as the victim, publicly or privately announces that “John Smith started to choke me when I tried to leave the space," it is often felt by witnesses that victim wants to be supported and believed, and the victim wants John Smith held responsible (whatever that means. Again, no manual).

This is not necessarily what the victim wants, however this immediately puts the audience in a hard space because John Smith probably isn’t some sort of total villain. In fact, he may be your friend, and he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would become violent towards another person. After all, he has generally been a friendly stand up guy to you, he is a great leader of the bowling team and has even reminded other people to not get “in the faces” of the teams they just beat because they’re humans too and they have to deal with losing.

In reality, there probably isn’t too much overlap between that person who you think would do something like that, and the person who actually would do that. There is a good chance the person who would do something like that is not a hobbyist batterer.

As for the victim; they are saying that John choked them two weeks ago, but you saw them having a good time together just one week ago! If he was really that bad, wouldn’t the victim have stopped interacting with them?

This is where cognitive dissonance comes in. For most people (thankfully), it can be very difficult to comprehend violating someone, so therefore it would be very difficult to comprehend someone else doing such a thing (especially if we know and trust that person). Many of us have not been victimized sexually or physically, so it’s difficult to understand what we would actually do if victimized in that manner.

The truth of the matter is John Smith quite possibly is that stand up guy you think he is, and he does often see other people’s humanity, and rarely on some occasion in very particular, very private situations he may also become disrespectful towards another individual.

Does the fact that he assaulted someone define him entirely? I certainly hope not. Is it simple and straight forward? Not at all.

As for the victim, yeah choking may have been pretty bad, but it also could have been pretty bad is for the victim to separate their self from the person they came to say… Burning Man with, an event where they don’t really know anyone and don’t have anyone to support them, where they are attached to this person whom everyone knows and thinks is great.

The victim may think that they would look crazy to all of John’s friends if they just packed up all their stuff from his yurt and disappeared, all while having no place to sleep. Besides, the victim may tell themselves, they weren’t injured physically, and the next day he said he was really sorry and it wouldn’t happen again or that it was their fault for trying to go when he just wanted to talk… but he’s been really nice since then, and they have such a strong connection and enjoy relating… etc. etc.

So maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe inertia starts to set in. Maybe they try to make the best of an imperfect situation, because we all know life isn’t always perfect or what we want it to be.

Long short,.. this shit is complicated. It isn’t simple. There isn’t any straightforward guide.

Lets be honest with our selves for a minute.

What would you do if you found out say, someone responsible for watching over and running the bar for your camp also had say lied to a sexual partner about not having a significant other? Or lied to a significant other about not having had unprotected sex with other people? What if they hit their significant other/sexual partner?

That said, as a bar camp leader they are really, really good, and the team has gotten so many thank you post cards from first time bowlers that felt watched over & related how their camp was run really top notch.

Does the fact that they are lying or violent to personal relations really have anything to do with the fact that they are a great team leader?

What if they weren’t team leader but head of infrastructure?

What would you do if you were a member of that team but had no position of power?. What would you do if you were the leader? What would you do if you were their friend? What would you do if you were a high in the team, but not THE authority?

What if there isn’t any actual real authority or code of conduct? What if the camp actively rejected one?

What would you ultimately want to see happen? How would you see it happen? What are obstacles that you could see making things more complicated?

And, never having done this before, how do you know how you’d actually handle it in the same manner you believe you would?

So yeah… it isn’t easy.

This is life.

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